After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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