apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
try to milk me bitch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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