Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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