I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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