I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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