he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize