Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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