Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
