I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
