Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
