i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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