I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
