I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
