this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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