so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize