Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
