you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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