i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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