mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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