Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have demons in me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
