I faked an abortion last night.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
