guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
