i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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