I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
