Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
