so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize