shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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