I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
