Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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