the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize