Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
