im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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