Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
