I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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