Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
