She announced her abortion via fbk
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
