I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
