if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
