I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
