he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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