I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
