Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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