i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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