I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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