I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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