i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
