We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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