take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
