My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize