once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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