Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
