at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
