God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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