ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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