she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
