I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he fucked my hip out of place.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
