I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
