Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize