I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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