New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
