I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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