I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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