even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
