It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
