I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My dick has a subreddit
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
